Mafia Gazette Past Issue 31
22nd September, 2005 'GOVERNMENT ISSUES HEALTH WARNING ' The government today issued a health warning after reports of corpses on the streets was made to the Environmental Health officer. Medical experts are already issuing general health warnings about Typhus and Cholera and these warnings have now been backed by the Government. People have been warned to steer clear of anyone with either of these diseases and have been told to dispose of all corpses in a timely and sanitary manner. Many people have been using dumpsters and back alleys as makeshift morgues and this is adding to the problem. Psychiatrists have also commented that there may be others in the community trying to deny the fact that friends or loved ones are long dead and these people should seek help immediately. Cleanup crews are expected out later this week to remove some of the trash and corpses littering the gutters of our fair cities. Please dispose of your loved ones carefully. 'THE WEEKEND CONTINUES… ' By Ophelia Payne While sitting in the United Nations coffee shop today our trusty reporter witnessed many disturbing acts. To her shock and dismay Uncle Nicky was seen inserting metal rods into the sleeves of Charlie Baltimore’s shirt to support his arms while “mingling”. The smell of the poor corpse is getting noticeable, more so than before. With the cooling temperatures the heating has had to be turned on in the mornings causing the stench to waft through the air. The mix of stale cigar smoke and whiskey does not even cover the smell of death. The family seems to be trying even harder to make Old Charlie appear alive. Seated with his back to the wall in a corner behind the family table beside Uncle Nicky it was hard to see the two young thugs hiding under the table moving Charlie’s arms using sawed off broom handles. In an attempt to give Charlie a voice a speaker was hidden under his jacket with a wire that led to the back office. While mingling I was able to chance a peek into the office only to see Evsie in fact providing the voice for the violated dead man. Comparable to The Wizard of Oz I might say, in size not just voice. Clothed in a glittering, heavily beaded cloak, feather boa, and fishnet stockings under a satin teddy the “gentleman” barked orders through the microphone with an authority reminiscent of leaders past. The usual crowd was in attendance and surprisingly boisterous considering the festivities that had been enjoyed last night in celebration of the marriage of Charlie’s daughter. Inspired by this joyous occasion Kestrel and Charlie announced that they are taking their relationship to the next level. Kestrel was seen pouring over the family’s jewellery stash for a suitable adornment for his beloved’s finger. He is sporting a light in his eyes that can only be compared to the stars. Agnoletta Provenza popped in for a visit and was forced to witness Mithras in all his glory. The young man was obviously already intoxicated and in a sad state. After revealing information in regards to a set of photographs where he is dressed in a short plaid skirt, a white blouse, and a blonde wig portraying a young schoolgirl he went on a rant saying he could defeat me in a boxing match hands down. Imagine that, threatening an innocent reporter with such physical violence, not to mention a woman! During his hormonal display set off by the early morning imbibing of prohibited alcohol Mithras was seen strutting around wearing nothing other than a sock covering his nether regions singing the following verse from an old ditty called I AM Cow, “I am cow, hear me moo. I weigh twice as much as you. And I look good on the barbecue. Yoghurt, curd, cream cheese and butter’s. Made from liquid from my udders. I am cow, I am cow, hear me moo!” followed by an ear piercingly shrill moo that reverberated throughout the room. Some are wondering how a male could have the ability to sound more feminine than a talented opera singer. As he stumbled and slurred his words he became angered when several of the patrons insisted that this frail in appearance reporter would in fact win hands down. Some were even saying that the match would last a maximum of two or three rounds. Mithras, being the brave man he is, resorted to petty name calling and sucking his thumb in a corner feeling defeated until his former lover Kestrel came to his defence declaring that he figured Mithras would in fact be victorious. The two were later spotted sharing a private moment in a nearby alcove. Charlie’s body was seen drooping in the corner unattended while the former lovers were showing signs that there may be feelings between the two that have been left unresolved. Charlie’s problem eye slowly slid down his face as the glue failed leaving a trail of slime in its path. Rushing over to try and tend to this disaster Uncle Nicky tripped over a stray pool cue and as he fell to the ground a large bottle of cheap cologne fell out of his pocket. What such a fine gentleman would be doing with this in his pocket cannot be backed up by fact. Uncle Nicky was given a hand up by his faithful friend onareal and the pair rushed to repair Charlie’s deteriorating eyeball. Not noticing this incident Mithras continued to boast his strength by lifting Lady Brown Eyes over his head giving the poor girl a scare. After placing her back down Mithras slumped in his chair looking obviously worn out. He looked over at his dead goldfish and a very skinny looking newt and sighed. There have been reports to the ASPCA in regards to his ability to look after his pets and an investigation into allegations of neglect and abuse of numerous goldfish, newts, hamsters, and gerbils is under way. After recovering Mithras suddenly jumped up and ran to Old Charlie’s body and leapt into the corpse’s lap almost knocking the two of them over and onto the floor. Shockingly he kissed the decaying flesh of Charlie’s once proud cheek as a rancid and possibly toxic burst of gas was expired through Charlie’s mouth noisily as a result of the impact that Mithras caused when landing in his lap. Unaffected by this, Mithras declared his love for the dead man and proceeded to pick the body up and start doing a polka with it. Unable to replace the eyeball earlier Uncle Nicky decided to go for the pirate look and placed an eye patch on the gaping hole. In an attempt to explain this addition to Charlie’s attire Uncle Nicky stated that Charlie had had another stroke and the doctor ordered the use of said eye patch to protect his now damaged eye from the light. When will this madness end? Can the authorities not step in? Only time will tell. 'MISS MAFIA ROUND TWO ' By: Tea_Jenny Round two was again hosted by TieDomiII who was wearing a bright bright silver suit that put all the girls dresses to shame. He walked onto the stage and literally glowed under the lights. This round was judged by relapsed with slightly easier to answer questions that also helped us to get to know these lovely ladies better. He threw a couple of cheeky ones in but over all they were some good questions. The ladies themselves looked as gorgeous as the night before but this time seemed a little more confident...even Mamacita answered! The answers greatly varied in length from long answers that just kept going to short and straight to the point answers. Over all the whole round was more light-hearted and a better atmosphere than the last, all the women seemed to be enjoying it more and there was a smile on every face. Some of the men even came in to watch and show their support with shouts and big banners. As in round one...a lot of the ladies did not turn up to answer their questions before the round ended and with Round 3 just starting it looks like every point is gonna count. 'HOW FAR WILL YOU GO FOR LOVE ' By: OddlySincere Shocking news earlier in the week was the suicide of WipeOut over the apparent infidelity of his soon to be wife; Valencia. Driven to the edge and fearing the loss of the woman he loved to another man this poor soul felt he had no options left open to him, which leads me to think just what lengths people will go to in the name of love. Within this harsh, bitter world we all look for that one person that will make life appear brighter, that person that will support us in all that we do, in all that we say, that one person that no matter what will always be there for us. Thing is how can we be sure that he/she is the right one? That they will not cheat and run off with your best mate the moment your back is turned? Answer is I don’t think we can, now personally I generally tend to find that the best way for me is to go its alone, I have no room in my life to be hurt or cheated on. This sounds cold and somewhat calculated but logic tells me if I only have me to rely on and answer too I cannot really go wrong. This tragedy only confirms my stance on love, that there is no room for it within this thing of ours. Why bother going through the motions when you are only opening yourself up for disappointment? Some will say that my outlook on this life is wrong, others that have been hurt will know only too well where I am coming from. So, if you are looking for the proverbial Mr or Miss right then let this serve as a warning, never let your heart go unless you can be 100% sure that the man/woman you profess to love is really the right one for you. Make the wrong choice and you too could be pressing up the daisies with Mr Out :P 'ANNOUNCEMENTS ' ENGAGEMENTS: Giunta - DeAngelis We are pleased to announce the engagement of Carmela, only daughter of the late Edoardo and Adriana DeAngelis of Chicago, to Furio, younger son of the late Cesare and Antonia Giunta originally of Pordenone Italy, lately of Denver. 'WE HEAR THAT… ' Gossip column by: Trixie ....SofftAndCuddly is a raging lesbian. She was overheard on the streets talking about Valencia licking her toes and wanting her to do it some more. Valencia said she was a good girl and ran away to hide with SofftAndCuddly standing there calling after her saying she would get her turn too. ....We're going to the chapel and Carmela's getting maaaaarrrieeed. The upside to this? Her little Niece gets an adorable new dress. Hopefully she wont be a brat at the wedding. Congrats Carmela and Furio! ....Silvio_Dante is a Canadian with a secret love for baseball. He was Blabbing about how much he loves the Chicago Cubs, and how baseball is the sport he lives for. His exact words were "Screw Hockey, It's for losers! Baseball is where it is at!" ....Dark_Heart cheated in the third round of the Miss Mafia contest on question number two where Opei the Penguin asked each contestant to WRITE an original poem about him. Dark_Heart's Poem strangely reminded Trev of a children’s nursery rhyme about Peter the Penguin. Will the Judges kick her out? Or knock off points for her cheating...We'll let you know. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC) Dr. Sefton FBI. BFG. FUBAR My business has recently expanded and damnit, I got a lot of holes to fill, and by holes mean important vacancies and by fill I mean STUFF. That’s where you clowns come in, Like area management? Want to build up your PR skills? Like working the community over for a modest/grand fee? I promise you this; you take out what you put in. Very shortly, I Dr Lipbalm will be acquiring the latest in mobile food vending equipment, YES! YOU CAN RUN ONE OF THESE FOR ME! YES YOU! THE ONE IN THE HAT! What I can do for you is like asking what can a gun can do for whackers. Yes Whack! See, that’s in the small print, you don’t need to read it anyway. But listen, you obviously look at me in awe, how did I get here to be this fine upstanding member of our society? Damnit! I dug, not with a spade but with my hands and sheer grit. How did I start, I started with a mobile coffee van and a dream. Now, now I OWN that van, now I OWN my clothes and shortly I’ll OWN you! So, be the first rung on my ladder, work at my hotdog vans and if you please me, I’ll please you by moving up in this world, making meet and greets. This world is nothing without contacts. Don’t stay anonymous, work for me…. We’ll reach the sky, because that’s the limit… CONTACT Dr. Sefton FBI. BFG. FUBAR at Sefton, Las Vegas. Sefton, making mankind proud with clay 16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC)16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 16:32, January 5, 2013 (UTC) 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand. ' http://pvp.a.mafia.org/gazette.php?issue=39